#Even to go Kms and that I only ruin peoples lives

[idkbishsss]

last night I started crying because I read one of my past diary’s (TW for a long vent in the tags)

[yakultii]

capitalism ruined us by making inconsistency so costly that only a select few can access a wider variety of human experiences. even those who ‘win’ within this system are limited by its structures, and inconsistency itself only exists in contrast to the capitalist ideal of consistency. why should we have to earn free will it’s so silly. why can’t we have earned it by being born. we never really have free will it’s always within the bounds of something. and these bounds were never inherent !!!!!!!!!!!! but no instead we’re all forced to fit our lives into squares of differing sizes (some level of choice for some when it comes to the squares but they must remain squares), rather than flowing in the circles that make up a life on earth and it’s like so annoying because yes it’s made up but also it’s so deeply ingrained in our current reality that people are gonna treat it like it is inherent because what are we to do we aren’t so good at knowing how to deconstruct social systems because we don’t believe we have that much power thank u again capitalism I wanna cry like I just wanna go around the world or even this country and look at things and laugh and cry based solely on human and flora and fauna interaction do you get me

but also what I’m tryna say is a widely experienced life on earth is constructed as “inconsistent” because it doesn’t contribute to economy yada yada yada and like what if I don’t wanna do the same thing over and over until I slowly kms

[oceanmoss]

I really don't know how to feel I knowww the nightmares hezbollah caused in syria they murdered and ruined and displaced genuine millions of lives and destroyed syria completely shattered the will of its people and destroyed their hope. but at the same time, hezbollah is the only resistance supporting the Palestinian resistance and causing any threat to Israel and for israel to just casually end it all in one fucking day and launch these bloody murderous attacks on lebanon with people applauding it is so so terrifying to me I can't cope with it even though I hate Hezbollah idk so many contradictory feelings it just feels so desolate. And all these innocent Lebanese lives lost just for the sake of targeting one person I'm genuinely going to kms

[monkeytrick]

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Ok like. Executive dysfunction. And trauma response. Are both phrases that might earn an eye roll from you and I get it. But I feel like one is the other for me and they’re both just causing a horrible loop that is making my life worse constsntly man. It really hit me today that like. Oh my god I am traumatized. I regularly will have flashbacks and either go totally limp and try to ignore everything happening and play dead or I’ll freak the fuck out and start screaming and sobbing and shit and I feel like this entire past month I’ve just been constantly going back and forth between both without any time dedicated t being a normal person which makes me feel so awful and insane because I’ve had like actual fun shit to do this month but I’ve been breaking down so fucking bad bc I literally don’t think I have the capability to live like a normal adult person is supposed to and I don’t have a choice at all because I don’t think I can ever be in contact with my family again. My dad is a domestic abuser and a methhead and an attempted rapist and I’m so scared he’s done more than attempt it since I last saw him. MULTIPLE times he just showed up st my workplace which is across the country from where he actually fucking lives without warning and when he went to jail it was in this state and not his home one. I still don’t know what the fuck he did because I only heard about it from my brother and I can’t fucking talk to anyone else in my family because I’m afraid of them all! My mom is actively without exaggeration trying to ruin my fucking life as revenge against me not talking to her because she was already doing this shit before I cut contact and will steal my money and try and track me down and threaten suicide over my continued existence. I don’t have anyone I can go to in real life about any of this shit and even the people who understand can’t help me at all. I’ve been trying to move in with my friend and after recovering from the extended mental breakdown I’ve been having all month I’m realizing I literally like. Do not have the shit I need to do that. And I don’t know if I ever will because of my family situation. I don’t know how to break it to them and I don’t know what the fuck to do because I don’t think I have an option that isn’t fucking them over extremely badly and it’s entirely my own fucking fault man bc I’ve just been trying to ignore my life so bad. I feel so bad about my current living situation bc my friend and their family were kind enough to let me stay and were really understanding initially but they all just really fucking want me gone by now which is like. Understandable. And the reasonable way to respond. But I’m so scared because I need to be out of here by the end of june and I think my best option is subletting on my own but I feel more certain and terrified every day that I’m just going to be homeless and fired from the job I currently have before I’m 21. I don’t even want to be someone that wants to kms anymore but I feel like god is like literally actually punishing me for existing and I can’t bring myself to deal with living at all. I’m not going to kill myself now and I have stupid reasons to continue being alive but they are reasons but I feel like the only way to stay set on that path and not change my mind and go insane and fucking die is if I get in a psych ward right the fuck now and trying to review my options there is making me even more miserable bc I don’t think I’m even on health insurance anymore and I don’t think I’d be able to get on it in time to not go insane and be a danger to myself. No matter what I am going to be in horrific debt. I just don’t know what to fucking do man. I haven’t looked at any of my texts in like 3 days because I am so fucking scared. I no wanna be around anymore. I cannot bring myself to do fucking snything

[arinavah]

hi arina! how are u doing? i've read your life update before about how you may not be able to do art stuffs due to life circumstances, seeing you open your shop now really brightens my heart! i'm also an artist in a kind of tough situation where i dont have much choice and might have to give up drawing or have difficulty continuing. im wondering how you got thru it? your art updates give me strength and hope! but if u dont feel like sharing, i totally understand. hoping you best and thank you!!

I'm sorry I'm answering this so late, talking about my current life always ruins my mood. (this will be a long whining post, I'm very upset right now so I need to speak out)

Probably we are in different situations, unlike you, drawing is the only thing I can do now. I've  mentioned here before that my grandma had a stroke this summer, my parents live in another city, they come here from time to time. Me and grandma live in Moscow, sooooo, generally, disabled grandma is MY responsibility most of the time. Even though she's making some slow progress in recovering, she's still mostly bed ridden, she can't take care of herself, she can't get up from the bed without help, she barely walks, etc., etc. So we can't leave her alone, and taking care about such helpless person, 24/7 IS HARD. She can wake us up several times at night to go to toilet or whatever, during the day she always wants something and we have to serve her, it really exhaustes me. (I half jokingly say that I unexpectedly became mother of 76 y.o. child, but I've always been child-free, so guess what I'm feeling right now)

Good news: I have some time to draw. To be honest drawing is the only sphere of my life I still can control, it's the only thing bringing me joy. And thankfully some people buy my merch so I can earn some money even in these circumstanses.

Bad news: I lost all freedom I'd had, I can't go anywhere without hiring nurse, I have much less time for work and drawing, I can't properly relax after long day, in fact I can NEVER relax, I can't meet with friends, I can't travel, I have to cancel work trips. Even simple mandane things became very difficult and even impossible because of all these restrictions. I can't find proper words to describe how those restrictions of my freedom make me depressed and devastated, right now my mental health is the worst it's ever been. I cry almost every day, I became hysterical and agressive, I hate my life so much, that the mere thought of spending the rest of my youth living my family's life, not MY OWN LIFE makes me want to kms. At the moment I control nothing in my life, I can't decide where to live, what to do, where to go, absolutely nothing. Probably I will never find a partner, because dating in these life contitions is impossible. Probably I will die alone without any love and friends. Maybe my only destiny is to take care of disabled person.

I'm trying to accept the fact that my life's ended, that I won't have any freedom and any new people around me till she passes away or till one of my parents will take full charge of taking care of her (it will happen in 5 years or so, they have work to finish in another city).

I spend my days solving my family's problems, my grandma's health problems, selling some merch to earn money and drawing some silly things just to ✨feel something✨.  So me being able to draw something in difficult circumstanses is not some heroic thing, I'm not overcoming myself to make art desprite everything, what I'm doing is just...escapism... I want to get lost in my little drawings or in little stories for some time to forget about everything bothering me. Honestly, I'm very happy that I haven't lost ability to draw after everything happened to me this year.

Guys.... sorry for whining, but 2022 ruined my mental state completely... Political situation (fucking Russia 💀💀💀), family situation, I just feel so much hatered for this world, for this universe where none of my dreams will ever come true, where I control nothing, where I have to live someone else's life, where I have no freedom, where I have to be silent, where I have to look at my government's crimes and be silent, where I can't  plan anything, where I can't love who I want (yesterday they accepted "lgbt propaganda" ban law), where I have to live the rest of my life in the country I hate, with a government I hate, isolated, lonely, constricted, attached to disabled person.

My parents keep telling me it's temporary, they don't want me to be a nurse for the rest of my life, everything is gonna be okay, they will solve everything. I don't believe them. Maybe I'm overdramatising, maybe if I get a therapy I'll feel better and less pessimistic about my future, but for now... I feel terrible. So, if drawing makes me feel a little bit better, then I'll continue to draw.

[schizochasm]

I went to the store.

My mom sent me 100sek less than she said. So I had to cut some stuff and accept that I'll not have money for the rest of the week.

I still got 2 6packs though. Cause if I hadn't I would've been even worse off.

I was supposed to start watching SVU while waiting for the bus, but my friend called. They were very upset, but at least it saved me from watching it.

Rant about him and my life

TW: (sc1de talk, abuser, hopelessness, and just horrific shit tbh. Proceed at your own risk.)

Once I got home I smoked 2 ciggies in the bathroom venting at him. About how I don't even care anymore and if I had the money I wouldn't talk to anyone anymore. And just let go of what I "need to do" to keep my life together. Just isolate and go back to being g drunk 24/7. Cause I just don't care anymore.

And I told him how I feel about him. How much I hate him etc. even though I know he knows. He's in my head. He knows all of what I think and feel. More than I do sometimes.

I just needed it said.

That's when I made my last post.

After that it was time to watch fucking SVU.

And I'm not even through episode 1 and already hate him for it. And myself.

I can't. I can't cope.

I hate myself for getting this way. For being sick. For being schizophrenic.

And for not listening to him when I should've.

I hate him for ruining my entire life ever since I first met him. Especially after I got sicker years ago and he came back.

But everyone keeps saying he's technically me. He's part of me. He's from my brain.

But he may be from my brain. But he's not me. Fuck that. He's not me. He's nothing like me and he's just horrific terrible scum.

Yet I can barely muster being mad at him anymore.

It's been years. Years.

I'm more submitted, broken, and scared than angry.

That anger, fight, and animosity... It's almost all gone...

He broke me long ago.

And it only got worse over time.

I'm not even one cohesive identity anymore. Not to me.

I'm broken.

And people with abusers that "are real" can escape. There's hope. Somewhere in there you might escape. It might end one day.

But me with my "not real" abuser doesn't get that. For about 2 years I held on to hope.

"One day it'll all get better." And similar. I heard it so much I believed it deep down. That one day maybe it'll all end.

One day he'll stop. He'll go away again and I can start healing and making a life.

I don't have hope anymore.

Not anymore.

It's been at Least 2.5y.

At Least.

I suck at keeping track.

You break.

You fold.

You lose hope.

I can't run. He's in my head.

I can't go to the cops or a shelter. He's in my head.

The meds aren't enough to make it stop. (Maybe if I had a decent dr it could've worked.)

Therapy can't help me cause I'm Currently being controlled and abused, in every category of abuse.

I wish I were dead.

I wish I could k1ll myself.

But my younger brother died 2 years ago.

And since then I don't have it in me to k1ll myself.

Can't do that to my mom and brother. They can't lose us both.

So I'm stuck living.

In a hell scape that people want to just brush off and ignore. Cause to them it's not real. To them it doesn't matter.

It's real to me.

I experience it as if it were real.

But they don't treat me like that's what I'm dealing with.

And I can't even tell them outright myself.

Cause he won't allow me to talk about it. They know. More or less depending on who. But they don't treat it like that's the case. And they never will.

Cause they can't see the scars, rope burns, rashes, cuts, brandings...

They can't see him. Hey can't hear him.

It's not real to them.

It's not the same to them as if it were in shared reality.

I just wanna die.

I just want out.

I don't have a life to hold onto.

I'm just doing it cause I Have to.

Sorry for the rant....

I just....

I wish I could kms...

Maybe one day I'll mercy k1ll myself ...

Maybe one day....,

[mayasdeluca]

Danielle and Stefania don't seem as close as they used to be. Don't mean it in a bad way just an observation. Danielle seems to only hangout with the cast only for some type of event of gathering that includes her partner KM. People drift apart it happens. Just wish we had that 2020/21 vibes going on between them.

I'll always love the 2020/2021 era for obvious reasons but it was unrealistic that it was going to last forever....the fandom was always going to get bigger and cross boundaries and ruin it. It happens all the time. I don't think Danielle and Stefania realized the impact their connection and interactions had on people and the way they were so open and flirty and even teasing the idea of them 'maybe' being a thing off screen just got completely blown out of proportion and people started to get too invasive and crossed lines. It's only normal that they would then start to pull back, especially once getting into serious relationships and realizing that then people didn't like those relationships and were stupidly vocal about that to them directly as if they have the right to do that.

The truth is we really don't know how close they are now because of them not sharing as much as they used to and social media being the only indicator we have as fans to really see that. It sucks but it's not surprising given how some people act. It does seem like when they aren't working and have free time, Danielle is usually spending it with KMK which then lessens the chance of her and Stefania hanging out off set but like you've said there are also times that we've seen them hang out that includes their partners/group of friends that include some cast members, writers, etc. I'm sure there are also times they do hang out whether it be just the two of them or others that they just don't share because of how everything gets blown out of proportion.

I miss seeing them together and even on set and I do hope that at some point this year we'll get to see them together to some extent, whether it be while they're filming or after the fact or them doing a live or two with the possibility of it being the last season but we'll just have to see. I don't think you can deny that they have a strong connection still and obviously enjoy each other's company when they are together though and that doesn't change just because we personally haven't seen them interacting whether it be weeks or months at a time. Doesn't mean it's not happening.

[transfemlogan]

if i had proof/evidence i would’ve shared it literal years ago. i’m just trying to prevent anyone else from getting hurt by him. and after how everyone has handled this, i really don’t think opening my heart up and bleeding out for an angry mob who has been nothing but violent is in any way safe, especially since i’m not lucky enough to be able to “prove” it. they’ve made it clear they’ll never listen anyway. why bother…

the death threats concerns is because i was sent countless death threats and kms’s for literally nothing at all by fanders even when i was still with thomas. it kinda ruined fandom for me altogether and i can’t even engage much in any fandom anymore (not even for my special interests :( )because of it. i was anticipating that happening again. and i wasn’t exactly wrong.

i wont be coming back here so if you say anything to me i won’t see it. i don’t know how much more my damn heart can take. i just wanted to protect you all from him so he couldn’t ever hurt anyone else ever again. it hurts that everyone’s response is so cruel. just let me help you…

thanks for the donation btw. i’ll post proof on twitter of using it for necessities once i get everything i currently have going on sorted out. it’ll help, i do appreciate it. thanks

(sorry you were abused and disbelieved. sending solidarity. NO ONE should need to provide proof/evidence or share every gory detail or be able to perform the perfect victim or whatever to be believed. let’s build a world where it’s as simple as saying “this individual abused me” so no one ever goes through this again, shall we?)

hi, atlas. i know you said you won't see this if I reply, but that's alright.

i will be taking what you say in good faith. i know most people aren't, for obvious reasons, but any feelings I have on this ask or you I will not state.

I'm sorry for whatever happened to you. and it sucks not being able to prove yourself to others. Attempting to speak out, only to get ridiculed and attacked is one of the most scary things about trying to speak. Again, I can 100% relate as someone who grew up in an abusive household and was in an abusive relationship. I hope you can find the help that you need & I hope my donation helped at all.

I will say, however, creating a world where someone can just say something and have it be believed no matter what is not a world I want to live in. Which I know is hard for a lot of people to understand, because S/A & abuse is one of the worse things someone can do and whoever does it deserves a neverending punishment, but people are liars. And while people who lie abt S/A & abuse are a very small amount of people, it still happens.

And there's a different set of "rules" when it comes to certain situations. I expect my friends and family to believe me about my abuse, but I don't expect strangers to about another stranger without any proof. If my abuser somehow became super famous, I do not expect them to believe me immediately without any evidence, bexause anyone can just say anything.

(Plus, I'd argue not every situation is black and white— yes, my ex emotionally abused me and caused trauma that I still deal with today after 5 fucking years, but I do not view her as an abuser. We were both children and it was her first relationship. She was just a very insecure person and we were surrounded by the wrong group of friends. That's my specific situation, obviously, but me-a-year after it happened and me-5-years-later both have very differing views on the situation.)

I hope you can heal through whatever this is.

[drag-me-kicking-and-screaming]

It's kind of scary how much I relate to "Blow my brains out" by Tikkle Me

here's me relating to every lyric. Like individually

note: I tagged this with autism tags because a lot of these things are about autism so if you follow autistic tags and don't want to see me rant about wishes to kms I suggest scrolling. Also extreme cursing

Sometimes I wish I could lend you my eyes - See the world through my eyes, know my experiences and maybe you'd have a shred of empathy that you seem to stereotype me as not being capable of feeling Lend you my hips and lend you my thighs - I guess this is the "step into my shoes" metaphor so. yeah I'll talk more on it later in this post I'm tired rn Sometimes I wish I could take a new shape - I wish I could switch lives, I hate this one Switch out some parts and become a big A - sAme as above

Sometimes I wish I could lend you my ears - Sensitive hearing makes me snap at loud people which they laugh at me for Lend you my thoughts and lend you my tears - Have you tried living where every single fucking day you have a fucking breakdown because you want to fucking die? Would anyone fucking miss me? You wouldn't. I wish you could know how it fucking feels. Sometimes I wish I could take a new form - I hate my fucking body Switch out some parts and become like the norm - I'll never be able to fit in, I'll never be able to be like the norm, and it's fucking awful

Lucky is she, who lives unaware - You don't have the burden of knowing the trauma you've caused me. Who doesn't get bothered by those who don't care - You don't pick and choose every word someone's told you, subconsciously trying to find some underlying message of hatred. Lucky is she, who lives unaware - You don't know that every night I sit in my bed and wonder how people would react if I disappeared, and you don't have the burden of knowing it's your fault Who doesn't get bothered by all that's unfair - You don't think about the consequences because you know I've been beaten to a pulp and don't know how to stand up for myself Unlucky me, who knows way too much - I wish I could go back when I didn't know this about myself, before I knew my family and friends were fucked up Who fights to make changes and music and such - I can't though. This is the only line I don't relate to. Because everywhere I go I'm called an acoustic retarded faggot who should lay down in traffic, all because of who I didn't choose to be. Unlucky me, aware of the pain - I WANT TO ESCAPE. I HATE BEING AUTISTIC. THIS DISORDER RUINED MY FUCKING LIFE AND NOW THAT I'M AWARE OF IT IT'S BECOME EVEN WORSE. I WISH I WAS NEVER BORN All 'cause I happen to have some brain - I'm better than this. I know I am. Everyone around me tells me I'm better than this. Then why am I such a useless fuck who can't even get over my own stupid intrusive thoughts? I'm better than this. And yet I'm the only one smart enough to know that I'm not good enough for anything.

Sometimes I wish I could lend you my voice - See how much effort it takes to keep it from shaking? To keep me from crying? Lend you my heart and lend you my choice - I don't have either. I want to be able to empathize and have friends but even if I wasn't autistic I can't. I've been so severely ruined by the people around me including at home that I can't even trust myself anymore. So why the hell would I trust you? Please take my heart, it's been ruined already. Sometimes I hope for a savior to come - I don't believe in god, but if I did I'd pray every day for him to come down and kill me himself. Why create me to make me suffer? Please send a savior, to kill me or to save me, either is a positive. Who's got what it takes to convince everyone - Nobody would even believe me if I told them they were ableist pricks who bullied an autistic kid. Even if they did, it's not like they'd stop. It'd get worse, probably. Please, I wish they could understand, but they won't. They can't. They'll never understand how fucking traumatizing they've been to me and how irreversibly awful they've been to me.

Sometimes I wish I could lend you my shoes - You know that "step into my shoes" metaphor? Or whatever I never really got it, but maybe if you knew what it was like to be completely isolated and excluded since childhood for no real reason, and never know how to stand up for yourself or make friends because if those abilities weren't gone already they certainly are after my home life ruined it. Lend you my life and lend you my truth - I wish you could know. I wish you could relate. I wish you could understand. I wish you could fucking empathize but you never do. But you stereotype autistic kids as being unable to feel empathy? You fucking hypocrite! You're a fucking monster! But sometimes the truth is just my point of view - I guess it's just imposter syndrome. It happens to everyone, I get it, but there's always a voice that tells me I'm being overdramatic. I don't believe it, but it leaks into everything else; all my issues are selfish and ignorable. I just need to get over it. I'm better than this. Not what is real and not what is true - Nothing is fucking real. I'm not fucking real. I mean I am and you are and everything is but the panic that grips me when the water I splash on myself is lukewarm and unfeelable instead of cool and grounding tends to make me forget that. And I don't know why, it's fucking pathetic honestly

Lucky is she, who lives unaware - You don't know I'm autistic. You don't know the pain I've gone through, laying awake knowing I'll never be able to be normal, I'll never be able to go out with friends to watch a movie, because I'll never be fucking normal, and it makes me want to die. Who doesn't get bothered by those who don't care - You're so lucky, honestly. If you were autistic, you wouldn't be bothered by this, you'd be able to brush it off, you wouldn't be affected. Because you have a family who cares enough about you that they don't manipulate you at every turn they get. You have support. I don't. I'm ignorable and forgettable and useless. Lucky is she, who lives unaware - If you are somehow autistic, you don't know. You don't know the pain of knowing I'll never have friends, or a social life, or self fucking esteem, all because of this stupid fucking disorder. And that's not universal, obviously. So I'm just being an overdramatic crybaby, I know. Who doesn't get bothered by all that's unfair - You've been so cruel to me. You wouldn't be bothered; you obviously aren't. Unlucky me, who knows way too much - I can't keep repeating myself, you get the gist. Who fights to make changes and music and such - I wish, I wish I had a passion that I could keep committed to. Every test I've taken told me I should be a writer! Or an artist! But who the fuck would hire someone as useless as me? Or who would read my shitty projection and words? Anyone can do that. Unlucky me, aware of the pain - I was diagnosed with depression when I was 10. I wish I wasn't. I thought I was cured, but I wasn't; maybe I was just trying to convince myself I was and lied to myself enough that it became true. At least, for me. But that's just a game theory, don't listen to me! All 'cause I happen to have some brain - I'm better than this. I'm better than you. I'm better than you. I'm better than this body, this disorder, this trauma. Then why do you beat me down, and why does it affect me? Why does this body trap me and suffocate me? Why does this useless fucking disorder ruin everything it touches? It's touched me. I'd argue I'm pretty ruined, though that sounds pretty cliche. Why does my trauma hold me back? I'll never be normal and it's because of the trauma. I'm not better than the trauma, or the disorder, or this body, or you. And I'm smarter than you. I have the brains to realize that but I don't know how to say it without sounding like a prick.

Lucky is she, who lives unaware - I wish I was lucky. I wish I was unaware. Maybe I'd be happier if I wasn't. Lucky is she, who lives unaware - I wish I was you. Not because you're better than me, but because you're blissfully unaware of my problems. If I didn't know my own problems, I'd be happier, right? Unlucky me, who knows way too much - I can't think of what else to write. I don't know what else to write that isn't just rants about hating myself and wanting to die, that's too unoriginal. Who fights to make changes and music and such - Read above, I guess, IDK Unlucky me, aware of the pain - I wish I wasn't, because maybe that would make it go away. Maybe that would make it not exist. I know my logic is bad but it's better than nothing, right? All 'cause I happen to have some brain - Thanks for reading this, really. I know most people will just scroll past but if you read the whole thing it means a lot. You don't have to interact but just. It means a lot. Thank you.

[turtleations]

Pink Couldy Sky, Chapter 04 – Howl (Summarized) - Part 2

Chapter 00 - 01

Chapter 02

Chapter 03

Chapter 04 Part 1

At that time, practice was always at the “Pentastudio” in Yokohama. They always went there in bassist Jimmy’s worn out white Fair Lady Z 2-by-2 T-bar roof, much like the model REM’s university friend was also driving. Except Jimmy’s model was lowered and had wings and was extremely flashy. Also, the classmate’s car was new and shiny and Jimmy’s car was old and on the verge of scrapping.

Those who know something about cars would know this, but the car was originally meant to be a two-seat sports car. Jimmy’s car, being a 2-by-2, had four seats, but the backseats were originally meant for children, presumably. They were hellishly narrow.

This car was filled with four grown guys and the trunk with their equipment. [Note: Since the band had five members, I can only assume that either REM meant “four guys in addition to the driver” or that they tied one person to the roof.] The people on the back seat always had to sit slouched over. Hide, who was weak to moving vehicles, always went onto the backseat first for some reason, only to groan that he wasn’t feeling well the moment they took off. One time they were on the way back from a live in Tokyo, when hide suddenly opened the window with a pale face and puked onto the express way. Another time they went to have a barbeque on Sarushima, an island in the bay of Yokosuka. The ferry ride only took seven minutes, yet hide turned white as a sheet and complained about feeling ill.

That same hide absolutely loved Jimmy’s crappy car.

He would say something about how one day he, too, would ride up to the livehouses in a Jaguar or a Ferrari, abandoning his guitar, but for now, the Z is it! And then he would climb into the narrow backseat.

That said, it was a pretty awesome car for a musician with no family. They called it the “White Demon”.

At some point, they figured that the maximum speed of the Z was 120 km/h, provided you still wanted the breaks to be effective. And that you shouldn’t drive it if you couldn’t estimate how long it would take you to stop if you didn’t want to tailgate the car in front of you. One time, Jimmy drove all the way back from Chiba using only the engine break, because the break-pedal was broken.

Jimmy, who calmly drove that “Demon Z”, was perhaps a genius driver who put Ayrton Senna to shame.

In that white Z, they did a lot of tours to haunted places, or to Mount Fuji in the middle of the night. Usually, those were hide’s idea. He loved planning stuff like that.

Three o’clock in the morning. Dobuita-Street. Hide: “Let’s got to the Fuji!” or “Don’t you want to go to the sea?” or, “I learned about a haunted place we absolutely must check out!”

So of course their rowdy bunch, including REM, piled into their “Demon Z” near daybreak, and went to the foot of Mount Fuji, the sea at Shônan, or haunted locations in Kamakura or Kannonzaki. By the time they arrived, the sun would come up, but they were all cheerful as if infected by hide’s energy and fooling around.

One day, they were on a haunted tour with a group of about 15 people. As usual, hide was the one who suggested going to a popular “Monster Mansion” in Kamakura. Between SAVER TIGER, another band, and some female fans, there was an entire army on the move. It was a cold winter’s night with heavy snowfall, and they did not care one bit as they got into several cars and drove from Yokosuka to Kamakura.

When they arrived, they found the ruin of an old house inside a Shinto shrine. The tin roof was rusted, the walls full of holes. It was the kind of place that made you feel like you should leave. As they timidly moved closer, someone in the group suddenly screamed, “Something came out!” and they all ran away, screaming “WAAAH!”

REM got taken by surprise, lost his orientation, slipped and fell. Seeing his miserable appearance, covered in snow and mud, everyone freaked out and one person even fainted, apparently. REM spend the drive home in a mood of “I should quit this band already.”

Eventually, car-loving hide got them their own equipment van. Up to that point, they used the wagon car of the student council of REM’s university to get all their stuff to the livehouses when they did a show. They could rent it for 3000 Yen every time, which was fortunate. Less fortunate was that the vehicle had the words “Kanagawa Dental College Student Council” written on the side. SAVER TIGER used to cover the words with camouflage tape and wrote their band name over it.

The pattern of events was the same every time: After the live, they returned to Yokosuka for the afterparty, which lasted until six or seven in the morning. REM and hide would then return the van to the campus, and REM would bring hide home on his bike.

Their bodies were exhausted, the heads heavy with fatigue and alcohol, their hair fluttering in the wind. But REM still vividly remembers him and hide riding the bike together along the coastal road, the sea glittering in the morning sun: The light of hope that knew nothing of shame.

As the number of lives increased and this method became increasingly impractical, the topic of getting their own van came up. But everyone in the band was poor, so there was absolutely no money for that kind of thing. In the end, their brainstorming on this problem resulted in hide getting a Hiace Long with money he gradually paid back to his parents.

The day their shiny new vehicle arrived, REM and hide got emotional and spend the entire day driving around pointlessly. That night, hide said, as usual: “Let’s go to Disneyland!” So the two of them drove to Uruyasu. However, Disneyland is a harsh place for two musicians who love alcohol and didn’t bring any. They hung out with their “My Fair Hiace” on the gigantic parking lot under the light of the mercury lamps, then drove back to Yokosuka and – as goes without saying – got determinately drunk on Dobuita Street.

Before they got the van, hide and Jimmy once got into a fight on the way back from a live in Tokyo. For some reason, hide really wanted to drive the Z that day. Jimmy, being Jimmy, wanted to drive it himself. Neither wanted to give in. In the end, Jimmy was the one who did the driving, since it was his car.

That day, they had a live at the livehouse “Rokumeikan” in Meguro, and since they had no money, they endlessly tracked along the country road instead of taking the expressway. The entire way until Kawasaki, hide and Jimmy sulked and didn’t even look at each other. Then, near Oppama, where they planned to stop for a drink, hide said, “Sorry, Jimmy, it wasn’t a big deal,” and just like that, they were friends again.

Going from sour faces to everything being alright from one moment to the next was typical for hide.

The next car-related story happened after SAVER TIGER’s rhythm section changed and Kyo joined them as their new vocalist. At that point, hide and drummer Kosuke were the only ones with a driver’s license, so it was always them who had to drive the band to lives or to rehearsals. In order to help them out, REM and new bassist Tokihiko decided to get their driver’s license as well.

The place they chose for this endeavor was a training camp in a town called Kobuchisawa at the foot of the Yatsugatake mountains in Yamanashi prefecture. [Note: The town was merged into the city of Hokuto in 2006.] They had the plan to practice guitar and bass and create music at night after the driving lessons, hugging their instruments on the train ride to the camp. They should be able to combine lessons and practice in one go, and moreover, it would be a change of air and a separation from their usual, unhealthy lifestyle. However, their plans were shattered soon after they arrived.

Because their friends arrived shortly after. Led by hide, a group of people otherwise consisting of Kyo, REM’s former LAFERIA-bandmate Shiomi, as well as hide’s childhood friend Yoko, leader of the band UNITED [Note: Yokoyama Akihiro, bassist, 10 September 1964 – 13 May 2014] came to visit them in their isolation. In the end, they were hardly ever at the camp at night.

Hide and the others stayed for quite a while. They slept in the car while REM and Tokihiko had their lessons and enthusiastically dragged them across the area at night. They got chased by spirits on the local cemetery, went down haunted roads facing certain death… And then went to the picturesque town of Kiyosato for the next trip. Off to Shinshû! From all they had heard about it, Kiyosato seemed like paradise to them, and they were excited about going. Kiyosato was famous, but none of them had ever been there and so they were not prepared for how much of a fairy-tale village it really was, completely unsuited for the likes of them.

Having explored the mountains far from human habitation for a while, they were eager to get to a place full of people. What they found, though, was a pastel-colored nightmare of a cityscape, were girls were floating around with fluttering lace in their hair…

The guys all had long hair, were dressed in black leather pants and boots. Just a bunch of rockers from Yokosuka walking down the candy-sweet, picturesque main street, floating around sadly. Feeling uncomfortable and dazed, they even forgot to call out to the girls, who seemed like they didn’t even come from the same planet as them.

Then, suddenly, they couldn’t believe their ears:

In this unlikeliest of places, they heard a familiar rock-beat: Their own song DEAD ANGLE, blasting from the radio of a random car. So they went and enthusiastically shook hands with the owner of the car. Kiyosato is a magical place, after all. Not long after, their training was over and they triumphantly returned to Yokosuka with hide and the others who had stayed in their “Car Hotel” until the end.

In any case, hide’s power to create events was different from that of an average guy. And his love for mischief received a power-up when he was drunk. That wasn’t always a good thing. His usual energy and drive towards random trips got raised by several levels.

An example: One night, they were once again drinking with several people at REM’s place, when he carelessly showed hide the Calpis in his refrigerator. It was the classic, undiluted stuff that had to be diluted and refrigerated. By the time they all noticed that hide was suspiciously quiet, it was too late: hide had mobilized every glass in the room and used up the entire bottle of Calpis, which they had been drinking cluelessly until everyone got heartburn.

Not long after that night, hide, who was worried about REM’s health because he put all of his allowance into alcohol, stuffed a bento-box full of his mother’s homemade food and brought it along when he visited. As usual, they spend the night drinking, and then slept in a pile. When REM got ready to rush out in the morning to get to his first university lecture of the day, hide, who had gotten up first and had been rustling about in the kitchen for a while, handed him a small package. It was a bento hide had made for REM from the leftovers of the food he brought before. He had gotten up early in the morning with a hangover just to make a bento for REM to take to class.

What to say… hide was a person who never forgot to be kind, and caring, and considerate. REM still has that bento box. It’s a small, scratched, and worn thing that has the characters 松本秀人 [Matsumoto Hideto] written on it in childish letters, so it probably dated back to hide’s elementary-school days. But to REM, it is an important treasure, stuffed tightly with the memory of what hide has really been like.

A little story about Dobuita-Street: There used to be a store called “Ichifuku” near the entrance to the shopping district, where REM and hide always went to eat (and drink). It was a rustic, cheap restaurant run by a lady of about 80 years. (REM sends his apologies in case she was, in fact, younger than that.) One day REM and hide were there once again, snacking on granny’s food while REM got drunk. (The darker the Japanese Sochû, the faster he got drunk, it seems.) For them, who had no money and were always hungry, this store was a paradise comparable to Disneyland or Hawaii.

Some of it remains even today, but back then Dobuita-Street was a wild and dangerous place where violent incidents were common. All it all, it was rather representative of a base-city like Yokosuka.

On that night, when the two of them were at Ichifuku once again, washing down their food with alcohol, they heard some commotion happening right outside, thought “Eh, another fight,” and continued drinking without thinking anything of it. About an hour later they went home, and on their way out they saw two figures stretched out on the ground in front of the building. They judged them for drinking themselves unconscious right there on the street and moved on. The next day, they were shocked to learn from the news that two people had been killed in a violent fight on Dobuita the night before…

Another time, REM went home early because he wasn’t feeling well. After he was gone, hide and the others went to a place called “Yoshino-ya” to get some Gyudon to eat. A guy by the store who looked like a hooligan sneered when he saw them and spat “Beggars!” in their direction. The next moment, hide threw his gyudon into his face, like the sensible person that he was. Another moment later, about ten of the guy’s friends came rushing over to hide and beat the shit out of him. The next morning, hide couldn’t remember the incident and was genuinely surprised at the state of his swollen and scarred face.

When he was drunk, the destructive impulses hidden deep in hide’s heart woke up more and more. REM thinks that everyone probably has such a part that they cannot control in certain moments.

Sometimes, when they drank until morning, they would sit on the rotary in front of Yokosuka Station and watch the people with normal jobs rush to work. Sitting on the cold concrete, they somehow enjoyed the sensation of going against the flow and being isolated and ill-fitting in the crowd.

Of course, they also drank in livehouses like PUMPKIN and ROCK CITY and other places that no longer exist. And when they drank, they drank all night. Getting thoroughly wasted has always been SAVER TIGER’s style, then as it is now.

After hide joined X and left Yokosuka, REM often went drinking on his own in a place called “99” near the city center, which later had a connection to the revived SAVER TIGER, and at POPPEYE’S on Dobuita Street.

POPPEYE’S was a bar with a strong American touch that belonged to a former nuclear engineer called Tak, who had a wild and dramatic personal history. The patrons were mostly American soldiers, sometimes accompanied by their Japanese girlfriends, and its interior décor was amazingly ugly and tasteless.

Sady, REM never got to take hide there. It was his favorite bar and he always promised hide to go there with him one day, but with hide’s busy schedule, the opportunity never came up.

It is something REM regrets even now.

Chapter 05

[calling-the-angels]

Tldr; anon hate is nothing in the face of genocide and I refuse to let this get sanitized in history books.

~~~~~

After a decade on this website, I finally got my first anonymous hate! It was honestly devasting and really made me reconsider my stance on everything and I'd just like to thank the academy and... /jk 😂😂

It was obviously in response to my post about a CNN article on Palestinian journalists that's gaining a bit of traction here. But seriously, calling me a Nazi isn't going to stop me from posting about Palestine. Telling me to kms isn't going to stop me from posting about Palestine. You could threaten me and my entire life and it STILL wouldn't stop me from posting about Palestine.

Why?

Every GOD. DAMN. DAY. I go online and am bombarded with even more evidence of IOF war crimes and zionist hate crimes. I've seen a toddler pulled from the rubble to discover his lower half was no longer connected to his upper half. I've seen IOF soldiers gleefully recording themselves pushing Palestinian men into a ditch dug between ruined buildings, shooting them in the head, and laughing. I've seen zionist mothers training their toddler to parrot a saying about growing up and "killing all the arabs". I've seen adults grinning at a middle school aged classroom of zionist kids talking about their hate for 'the arabs'. I've seen cultural and historical landmarks DECIMATED because of the zionists complete disregard for anything celebrating Palestinian lives. I've learned about bumper stickers that say "Finish them" which are popular in Isntreal. I've watched real estate development companies market 'coastal' homes over the real ruined images of Gazan homes and shops. I've heard Isntreal political and religious LEADERS blatantly state their plans of genocide and mass displacement. This is only the bare minimum of what I have seen, freely accessible, online for the masses.

Yet zionists call me the nazi? Seems they need to read a fucking history book.

Grow the fuck up and recognize that colonial mindsets and doing terrible, HORRIFIC things with impunity is no longer the status quo. Grow up and realize that the global mindset is shifting from a me-based society to a we-based society at a scale never seen before due to social media and its reach. Grow up and realize that THE PEOPLE ARE ANGRY.

And to fellow activists and good people standing on the right side of history... through us refusing to stop talking about Palestine, we are ENSURING that the future knows exactly what happened in Gaza, in Palestine. We are making sure history can't be rewritten. I feel pretty good about that, what about you?

Flowers are blooming in Antarctica and fire is catching.

[morphogenetic]

why the fuck does anyone want to continue to exist. the world is fucking terrible!!! people die and are exploited every fucking day!!!! people get illnesses that are curable/treatable and get no fucking help because of their money. millions (dare I say up to a billion?) are in poverty and their parents can't help them no matter how much they try. the weather is going to hell because of climate change. every single person living in a developed/not-global-south country is exploiting people who live in those exploited areas. and even aside from the exploitation we all cause harm to each other on the daily just from existing - even if its unintentional harm e.g. car accidents it's still harm. we are all constantly killing and hurting each other and the only way we can't do that (or to experience the hurt/exploitation. depends on where you got lucky enough to be born I guess!!!) is to just straight up die

anyway tldr I'm not doing anything but the world would genuinely be better off without me but not because I'm me specifically but because I'm a first world leech who never does anything to benefit anyone else and is a worthless piece of shit who just sucks up resources that could be going to millions of people who don't even have access to clean drinking water. how do I transfer my life circumstances to someone else and then just peace out and actually go through w kms instead of being a useless worthless piece of trash sucking up water and food and actively contributing to global warming every time I turn on the light. Lol!!!!!! Lol. Everything would be better if I was dead but that's true of the entire world. Either to kill the people ruining it for everyone else (myself included of course) or to give everyone else a way out to ease their suffering.

if only causing a mass-humanity-extinction event wasn't seen as crazy instead of the best way of healing the planet. if only people realized that antinatalism is the only sane viewpoint at this point. if only. but one less person is still better than nothing. too bad I'm so useless I can't even consider d*eing until I have my doctorate. because I'm a fucking fool who wants to die w a dr. before my name if nothing else to have that gender neutral title. If fucking only!!!!

[metaldragoon]

Tried thinking of my favourite things of the year, not necessarily from this year but I played/watched/whatever’d them this year. Video Game: Red Dead Redemption 2, just kinda unparalleled, one of the greatest games I’ve ever played.  For some other runner-ups, Elden Ring was obviously really good but I never beat it and the 2 people I played with one guy like jacks off to bloodborne nightly and was always way higher leveled so just kinda steam-rolling everything and my other friend lives in like the arctic circle so is still working on dial up and was always DC’ing.  Still want to beat it, but FromSoft’s games haven’t really ever hit for me even though they should.  There was also an indie project of Bloodborne, Bloodborne PSX that I really liked but it sucked to GIF.  My actual 2nd spot would go to AI: The Somnium Files, really good visual novel and lovable characters.  Haven’t beat the sequel that came out this year but didn’t seem as good. Movie: I think Everything Everywhere, All At Once was the only movie from this year that I actually saw.  I did really like it, it’s probably #2 because I can’t think of what else I saw that was new and good.  #1 would be The Gentlemen from 2019 though, it was really funny and I loved the pacing the whole way through.  I’ve never watched any Guy Ritchie movies because my friends are always like eh, but this really inspired me to do so, although I have actually not remember such inspiration until now when I was trying to recall everything I did this year. Anime: Don’t think I tried too much this year, I’d probably pick Spy x Family.  Is it good? I don’t know if I even go that far but it’s funny and cute and I’m willing to accept that.  I still have one episode of Chainsaw Man to go but I don’t think the final episode is gonna displace the Forgers.  I also saw Vampire Hunter D which was very good but same issue with Angel’s Egg I feel like I need more light-heartedness going on Music: For an album, no brainer that’s Zeit by Rammstein for me.  My favourite band and I haven’t liked their two previous albums as a whole though obv they still put out some good songs, but Zeit was fantastic and I’ve definitely played it over 100 times.  For new artists, I was very lazily attempting to try and focus on listening to super mainstream music this year because there’s a lot I don’t listen to, so it’s kind of embarrassing to be like “here’s the new up-and-comers I like” because the big three I can think of are Ed Sheeran, Taylor Swift, and Post Malone.  Sheeran #1 and probably Post Malone #2, Taylor Swift has a lot of bad songs but I do like a surprising amount of her songs.  My carefully curated playlist was ruined though because Winamp had some database error and I had to delete everything, so it’ll be back to listening more niche bands next year. That’s about the extent of things I like that can be ranked subjectively.  Zion Williamson is my favourite basketball player right now if anyone cares.  I didn’t read any manga except Berserk but I’m planning on reading some more next year so maybe that can be another category for the 2023 metaldragoon award show, but probably not.  Hopefully I have some constitution and this will be my last post of the year, so widdat out of the way happy new years folks.  My objective for next year is to run 2023 KM and I do think I will be obnoxious and share my progress every run I go for.

[troglobite]

laskdjf

i never got to see or use the $700 i made dogsitting, she just kept it all. my reward for that was being alone for 3.5 weeks.

can't complain. she resents my existence and i deserve to be dead, actually, and the only thing i'm good for is giving her money. and i don't make a lot of it bc i'm a mooch who doesn't deserve to be alive.

she can say no to me being alone bc she "doesn't worry" abt me. in general. or think abt me. daily. at all. she explicitly said so.

i offered to kill myself to her like four times. she didn't "get it".

told me to not take it personally that she doesn't look forward to me or talking to me at all. that all she thinks abt when talking to me is everything else she should be doing. bc her life sucks now.

got angry at me for suggesting she just say no to stuff.

i'm the stuff she says no to.

i'm just another horrible obligation.

all i can do is pay her to make up for the fact that i exist.

i'm not going to remind her about therapy on friday. i'm sure she'll forget. she won't do the paperwork. she won't show up.

i'll just show up on my own and pay the fee for a missed appointment that she won't be there for.

bc she doesn't care abt herself or me or any of this.

this is just another obligation to "appease me" bc i'm nothing but a burden. another horrible thing on the list of obligations.

we don't have a relationship, according to her.

she doesn't care abt being with me at all.

and instead of doing anything to make her life better, she lists reasons she can't do that.

instead of asking for help where i can spend time with her, she asks me to just give her money.

bc, i don't NEED it, right? who cares. i don't have medication. i don't pay any bills, so i don't need it. if i dip below $500 in my bank account, who notices or cares, right? doesn't matter.

keep the money i earned dogsitting by myself being miserable.

here's some more money i earned. i'll set it up monthly to justify my existence to you.

because there's nothing about me that makes living any easier or more pleasant.

as if that doesn't terrify me about you and your well being.

as if that doesn't make me s/c/d/l as fuck. i fundamentally do not matter.

and she can't be fucked to try and "say the right things" to me

i don't want the right things, i just want my mom to tell me she doesn't hate or resent me. and she can't do that, even when basically explicitly asked. multiple times.

i deserve to die. i'll just leave her alone. i won't talk to her. abt anything. just let her do whatever.

if nothing is fun and she doesn't want to be around me or miss me or anything. or wanna talk to me. at all. if she thinks i'm always mad at her because she can't conceive of a world where i just kms instead.

then fine. i won't do or say anything.

i'll just keep paying her and apologizing for being alive the whole time i do it.

i won't bother w the bakery business, that would require her spending money.

i won't go to anything, that would require me using the car. what if she needs it instead.

i should just cancel the allergist appt, even though i really would like an epipen if i'm gonna be home alone for weeks or months at a time. including right on/around my birthday.

i don't have anyone who bothers to check in on me of their own volition. no one and nothing nearby. and no ability to find it without grossly inconveniencing someone.

i thought maybe, just MAYBE, i was wrong abt how much my mom resents me and doesn't want me around, and just generally feels Nothing for me.

there's only so many times you can be s/c/d/l in front of someone before you realize you truly, truly do not matter.

no i won't be telling any therapists this.

i'm sure she'll just compare me to my aunt who claims to be s/c/d/l but has never done anything abt it and instead only hurts other people.

just another way that i'm like my aunt, who is violent and tried to kill her son.

i'm mentally ill and disabled. i've lived w my mom my entire life. i ruin everyone's lives. i can't hold down a real job. and i keep saying i'll kms and then i don't. instead i stay alive and do very little to justify it.

the truth is, she believes all of this abt me. and hearing her confirm it sort of breaks me apart in a way i didn't think was possible.

i wanted her home so badly and now i know my cousin wants her there, too. and i have to be the one to be home. alone. not just lonely, unbelievably isolated. with no one and nothing. resisting the kms energy. but for what?

it's better that i be left alone to rot and be forgotten than a 15 year old be left w some different adults instead of my mom.

it's better that i be utterly miserable and forgotten, rot in bed. do nothing. just do mindless, shitty work w people who are unkind, and give all the money to my mom to justify living here and being alive at all.

i'm hungry. i didn't eat a lot today. i'm not going back downstairs to eat food.

i'll buy my own groceries.

i'm not starting my baking business.

i won't bother w my dnd game anymore.

i won't ask to hang out, bc who fucking cares.

nothing matters. i am a burden and obligation to everyone around me.

i am a pit of negativity and bullshit. self pity and garbage. and i need to suck it up and shut up.

but here i am, right?

it's fine, basically nobody reads this shit. there's no amount of peril i can be in that will make anyone care about me. esp if i do it to myself. everyone is just preemptively sick of me.

i'll just be the employee. the tenant. not the kid. not the person. not the anything. i won't ask for anything or need anything.

i'm just not gonna eat. i'll just avoid her.

if i'm too much to be around, i'll just stop.

i offered to die to take myself off her plate, off her shoulders. she said that the fact that my greatest fear is something happening to her? was a heavy weight on her shoulders.

my caring for her is a burden. even what should be positive is an unbearable weight and burden.

the only times i bring positivity to anyone or anything is when it's only 10% of myself. a mask. a pretending.

my whole self is just absolute trash. i should've known. if i don't unintentionally abandon people first, they all abandon me. i knew that. i've known that.

i just, like an idiot, thought it wouldn't apply here. i thought her being my mom meant it was unconditional.

it's very conditional. the conditions are that i accept that i am not important and i can do nothing to materially improve her life. my presence is meaningless and unwanted. i am a financial suck. not worth the time or space.

she's stuck with this house, now, bc i wanted it, bc it worked for us living together.

but i fundamentally don't matter. what was the point.

just like the time we moved to vermont. i wasted all her time and money. it was a failure. i failed. i dragged us out there just to crash and burn like the fucking failure and piece of shit that i am.

i was born just to make everyone hate me or resent me or disregard me, and then die.

and there's no way to disappear that's not a problem for somebody.

i'm just sorry. i'm sorry i'm not better. i'm sorry i'm like this. i'm sorry i keep asking for help and being such a nuisance. i'm sorry for everything. i'm just sorry that i exist. i'm sorry i can't do anything to fix it.

i'm sorry i haven't fixed anything locally. the reality is that i wanted to get involved locally to justify my continued existence. and now i can't do that without infringing on her life even more.

i wish i could shrink and disappear. i wish i could be erased. i've left nothing good in this world, i've only made everything worse.

i've upheld systems of oppression, and i've just generally ruined people's days or lives.

here i am sitting in the seat of empire, crying bc i'm Sad. boofuckinghoo. i should die just for that. get rid of me, get rid of the self-pity of the world.

i care abt other people but all my care and love has ever done is hurt people. i can't do anything right.

i'm just sorry.

[bihexualandferal]

Well, things just got a LOT worse. I’m failing my one summer class while my GPA is at an all-time low. Plus I just found out I can’t afford to live independently, even if I split the rent between me and 3 people for a 2 bedroom apt, because it’s so fucking expensive to live in the Bay Area, CA. I’ll have to pay $800/month in rent at the cheapest place in my city, and I’ll only be working part time for $22/hr once I start my job in 2 weeks. Even if I managed to pay that, I wouldn’t be able to pay for food or health insurance or anything. I would have to get a second job and quit college. I can barely even function now as it is!!! So I’m stuck living with my emotionally abusive mom. I rely on her for everything because I’m flat broke, I have ZERO savings. Plus my doctor stopped refilling my antidepressant medication, my therapy program isn’t doing jack shit for me, and it costs my mom $800/month to give me my pre-diabetes medication. And to top it all off, I can’t even go to the psych ward because it won’t do anything and it costs thousands of dollars the last time I was put on a 72 hour hold. I’ve already ruined my relationships with the two people I love the most then I get hit with all of this at once. HOW IS ANYONE EXPECTED TO LIVE WHEN IT COSTS THIS MUCH??? I’m going to fucking kms. there’s no way I’m going to survive any of this. There’s no hope for me to survive and thrive emotionally or physically. I would rather die. I am in so much pain, I want to scream and cry and throw up and tear my flesh from my bones and smash open my head. This is hell.

[lukewarmairisyummy]

Mother Earth and Her Child

They looked at the ocean, watching the waves, big and small. The ocean can represent being a harsh, cruel, empty place. Whilst also being described as a calm, fun, full of life place. The ocean was balanced, for a while till *they* ruined it. The beautiful blue, calm waves slowly turned into a horrid grey-teal colour, the waves harsh and destructive. Ocean life no longer active, the ocean turning into a cold, dull, miserable place. No one dared to adventure the oceans, no planes, no boats were able to cross it. Soon people of the world were divided once again. More people moved inland, some stayed, too stubborn to leave, even if that means dying from the frequent Tsunamis.

Though, this one person, they always treated the ocean kindly, mother Nature adored them, protecting them. They took good care for nature and mother Earth. Mother Earth cared for the kind, lively souls, especially children who were taught to love. Mother Earth has always cared for humans. Well She did, till the recent past few hundred years. She's been aching, hurting, yet they won't stop. So she resorted to the one thing she did not want to do, nor did want to resort to, anger and force. Each more they harm her, she hits them back with hundred times more force. They still won't listen, Mother Earth angered caused a minor earthquake. Calming herself down, she continued to focus on the young soul, watching them made mother Earth have hope, yet People like them were rare, very few...

Mother Earth still loved the few that loved and cared for her, despite there being billions more out weighing the numbers. She watched as the young soul pack, Mother Earth Curious, she continues to watch them. The young soul was ready to head for the city just 1000 km east to their little cottage. She watched as the young one climbed into their vehicle. Following them as they head for the city, it would take only ten to fourteen hours to get to the city depending on the roads, as the roads towards the east and west coast were hardly cared for.

The young soul always talked to themselves, it made them feel less alone. Mother Earth had always felt sympathy for them, sad that they were always alone, despite her being right there beside them. As the Young one continued on their way with Mother Earth watching them. The ride went smoothly. Well as smooth as they could, since the roads were bad for 400 kilometres.

~ Time skip ~

Mother Earth Filled with Hurt and Saddness as she enters the city with the young soul. The young soul, still smiling, despite being obviously sad. They pull into parking lot to a marketplace. A small marketplace in this huge, smog filled city. Y.S looked around at the marketplace, seeing very little. Mother Earth yearned for them, wanting to help them with the food shortage. Y.S sighed in frustration, noticing they'll have to go into the loud supermarket. They paid for what they got, and started to head towards the supermarket. Mother Earth watch as They got what they need, clearly upset They didnt get what they needed from the Market. Although the Young Soul carried on their way to the car. Mother Earth smiling, watching as The young one kept a smile.

The young soul got into their car before seeing an elderly person in need of assistance. Mother Earth watched as The young one get out of their vehicle to help this elderly person. Although, that happiness turn into grief and sorrow. She watched, helplessly as this situation turned Dark and gruesome.

The old person was just a distraction, bait for a victim. Mother Earth Watched as the old person stand on the sidewalk, watching the young one Cross. She watched as their body gets hit by another vehicle. Mother Earth sobbed as she watched one of the young souls dies infront of her. Mother Earth's Tears formed into a heavy rain, as the body of the young soul laid there, lifeless.

I hope this was easy to read ;•^•